EASY ENGLISH!
Aprender inglés es fácil!
Teacher: If I had nine apples in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Student: Big hands!
Wife: Do you want dinner, dear?
Husband: Sure! What are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Little Lucy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour looked over the fence. Curious about what she was doing, he asked 'What are you doing?'
'My goldfish died,' Lucy answered, 'and I've just buried him.'
The neighbour was surprised. He said 'That's a big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'
Lucy finished filling the hole and replied, 'That's because he's inside your cat.'
If a lawyer and a tax collector were drowning and you could only save one of them, what would you do: read the newspaper or drink coffee?
Teacher: Thomas, give me a sentence starting with 'I'.
Thomas: I is...
Teacher: No, Thomas. We say, 'I am...'
Student: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
- What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up this morning?
- He said 'Where am I, Mary?'
- And why did that upset you?
- My name is Betty.
- What a strange pair of socks you are wearing today! One is brown and the other one is green!
- Yes, that is really strange. I've got another pair at home that are exactly the same.
My Dad thinks he "wears the trousers" in our house, but in fact it's Mum who always tells him which pair to put on!
- Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat for a lady.
- Well, you did the right thing, dear.
- But Mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap!
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!!!'
His wife asks 'Wow! That's incredible! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?'
He answers 'I don't care. Just go!'
- Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
- Yes, I married the wrong woman!
A man went to a restaurant and asked for a soup. When the waiter brought the food, the man said: "Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!" And the waiter said: "Please don't speak so loudly, sir, or everyone will want one!"
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school, Tom?"
Tom: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back again tomorrow?"
- Shall I tell you a secret about butter?
- You'd better not, I might spread it!
Two sheep were talking to each other.
"You look really tired," the first one said.
"I know," replied the other. "I had to count 800 shepherds last night before I could get to sleep!"
- Mum, can I have a dog for Christmas?
- No, you can have turkey like everyone else!
- What did the ocean say to the beach?
- Nothing, it just waved!
Teacher: You have ten dollars in your pocket. If you lose four, then what do you have in your pocket?
Student: A hole!
- You would be a good dancer except for two things.
- What are those two things?
- Your feet!
Peter was asking for a job as a waiter in a restaurant.
"Do you have any references?" the owner asked him.
"Oh, yes. I worked for six years in a famous restaurant," he said.
"Can you prove it?" asked the owner.
"Of course! I can show you any of the spoons that I stole from them!"
Woman: I'd like a mirror, please.
Salesman: A hand mirror, madam?
Woman: No, it's my face I want to look at!
- Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
- Because he wanted to work overtime!
- Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
- Because they have big fingers!
- Why is a student taking a ladder to the school?
- Because he wants to get to High School!
Patient: Please, help me, doctor. I'm shrinking!
Doctor: I'm sorry, sir. You'll just have to be a little patient.
- Where do you find a no-legged dog?
- Right where you left him.
- Why was the math book sad?
- Because it had so many problems.
- Why do birds fly south in the winter?
- Because it's too far to walk!
A new tiger was brought to a circus. The other tigers greeted him and said, "What a pity you weren't here in the days of our old trainer. He was very kind, dedicated and delicious!"